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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24499900">Cronus' Pussy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vi0l3t/pseuds/vi0l3t'>vi0l3t</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodleNoodle/pseuds/WoodleNoodle'>WoodleNoodle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Disobedience Of Social Distancing Guidelines [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chickens, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Cronus is a crusty little man, Disobedience of Social Distancing Guidelines, Memes, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Quarantine, Troll Cops (Homestuck), acab except sollux and terezi, author does not support cops tho, cronus is stinky, maid outfits, mention of ACNH, ok maybe terezi, shitposting, the usual</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:42:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,889</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24499900</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vi0l3t/pseuds/vi0l3t, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodleNoodle/pseuds/WoodleNoodle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cronus gets bored in quarantine and decides to assemble a posse of bitches.</p><p>Part of a series, but can be read as stand-alone. You might get hella confused when the cock shows up, though.</p><p>Co-authored with my lovely matesprife Eli &lt;3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cronus Ampora &amp; Kankri Vantas, Cronus Ampora &amp; Mituna Captor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Disobedience Of Social Distancing Guidelines [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. #tw objectification</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Okay so basically this bitchass Cronuts Amporna was scheming. He had plans. And those plans were basically just ‘Getting All Of My Friends That Secretly Hate Me In Maid Outfits,’ because he’d kind of gotten bored of doing it in Animal Crossing at this point in quarantine, and bitchass Genji kept rejecting it anyway. Bitch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway, his first target was none other than Kankri Jankri Vantas. Cronus was standing outside Kankri’s hive, watching him as he vibed on the couch with a book. The window was open, so why the fuck not just scream at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ay, Jankri!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kankri, as expected, lost his shit and tossed the book to the side. He looked around for a moment before his eyes fell on Cronus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C-Cronus! What are you doing here? You’re not social distancing!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever. No Chinese virus is gonna stop me from seein’ my doll,” Cronus declared with a wink, climbing through the window. Kankri looked offended. Because of course he did- and Cronus had been banking on that.</span>
</p><p><span>“You shouldn’t be calling it… </span><em><span>that</span></em><span>,” Kankri began, a little flustered. “It’s highly offensive to those of Chinese descent, and only further ostracizes them in today’s political climate, leading to-”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>“Yadda yadda yadda.” Cronus sauntered over and pressed a finger to Kankri’s lips., which was promptly pushed away. “I love your voice, but those lectures have gotta stop. Let’s make a bet, yeah? I’ll bet you can’t go five minutes without spiralin’ into some social justice rant. Loser has to do whatever the winner wants. Whaddya say?”</span></p><p>
  <span>Kankri thought for a moment, before deciding why the f**k not. #implied swearing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. It’s a deal.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn. That was easy. Guess quarantine’s been boring the hell out of him, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sweet,” Cronus said, flopping down on the couch next to Kankri and carelessly tossing an arm around his shoulders. “Gonna make talkin’ to you a whole helluva lot easier.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kankri removed Cronus’ arm and scooted to the other end of the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cronus, you have to remember that we’re supposed to be social distancing, for our-” He cut himself off. That was bordering on being a lecture, and Kankri had a bet to win. So he shut himself the fuck up, if only because of the shiteating grin on Cronus’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you don’t have the virus, and I don’t have the virus, so what’s the problem, darling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It has a two week incubation period. For all we know, we could both have the virus, but its symptoms haven’t started showing yet. So, it’s best to act as if everyone has it, just to be safe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If everyone has it, what’s it matter what I do? We’re all gonna die anyway. Might as well end quarantine now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not how it works. And, furthermore, I think you’re being very ignorant right now. I have many sources on COVID-19 if you’re interested in… informing yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, fuck that. Kankles, you’re too uptight.” Cronus’s hand started traveling downward, ghosting over Kankri’s grubscars. Nothing gets him going (essay-wise) like vague sexual harassment. “Never understood your whole celibacy thing. Why don’t you just let me help you unwind~?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh shit. Oh fuck. Yep. That really got Kankri going, and not in the sexy way. His face flushed a deep red as he jerked himself away from Cronus’ touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-Okay, first of all, what does my celibacy have to do with me being, as you put it, ‘too uptight?’ And second, absolutely not. That goes against the vow of celibacy I took and have held myself to for sweeps, and I think it’s very offensive that you’d suggest something like that, knowing that I have sworn to never have sexual intercourse.” At this point, this bitch has stood up and was now pacing in front of the couch. Typical lecture mannerisms. “What if I had some kind of trauma relating to sexual activity like what you had implied? What if you had just </span>
  <em>
    <span>triggered </span>
  </em>
  <span>me, Cronus?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I won a bet, I did that much.” Oh yeah. There’s that shiteating grin again. Bigger and badder than ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a moment for Kankri to realize what he had just done. He crossed his arms and looked away, his blush going even darker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...I suppose you did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great, ‘cause I’ve got the </span>
  <em>
    <span>purr</span>
  </em>
  <span>fect outfit for you~” Cronus practically fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>sang</span>
  </em>
  <span>, skipping over to the window and pulling up the bag he’d left just outside. It contained a maid outfit and one of those cat-eared headbands. He handed the bag to Kankri. “Change into this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kankri begrudgingly took the bag. “Fine,” he said before disappearing into his ablution block. He came out not too long after, still holding the cat ear headband in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>have to wear this, too?” he asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you do~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kankri groaned. He put the headband on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How cute~~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For the record, this is </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> degrading and objectifying. It’s somehow even worse than whatever you did earlier. Also, stop talking with tildes. That could be triggering for some of our readers.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ay, I didn’t tell you to break the fourth wall. Can it, Kan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I chose to break the fourth wall. I have my own rights, Cronus. I don’t belong to you.” </span>
</p><p><span>“You do right now.”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>Then, without waiting for a response, Cronus grabbed Kankri’s hand and dragged him out the door. Next target: Mituna Captor.</span></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 5H17 5P41N</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Mituna Captor, also known as fallsdown mcspazzalot, was skating in the skatepark, as opposed to somewhere else. Knowing Mituna, it was fairly likely that he had straight up forgotten that quarantine was a thing and went out anyway. He actually wasn’t doing too bad for once, probably because Cronus wasn’t bothering him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Cronus started bothering him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ay, ‘Tuna,” Cronus greeted as he approached him, despite Maid Kankri’s complaints. He slung his arm around Mituna’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mituna immediately tensed up. He didn’t like that. Cronus’s arm should not be there, and he didn’t know why this was happening. He twitched and threw Cronus off him, stumbling back and nearly tripping over his skateboard. “Grkk- Dong’t touch me fuc klorkd-!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, woah, relax.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, whatever.” Cronus looked over Mituna’s shoulder. There was a bench not too far away. Hmm. Perfect. “Betcha can’t do an ollie off a’ that bench.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fffffhcuk off, Cocknuts!!! I can fu ckin…..” He grabbed his skateboard. Mituna was a dumbass bitch, but this dumbass bitch wasn’t about to turn down a challenge from bitchass Cronus. Maidkri was already going the fuck off on Cronus, something about how it’s even worse that he’s doing this to Mituna because he’s disabled and doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, blah blah blah, basic Kankri shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway, Mituna put his skateboard down, and he did the skateboardy thing, and would you look at that he fucked up the landing and rolled off into the dirt. He let out a pained groan and rubbed his head even though he was wearing his helmet and it didn’t actually do anything to help. Maidkri came over and helped Mituna up. Meanwhile, Cronus was losing his shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what that means, Tuna,” he said once he had regained his composure. Oh, would you look at that. Another fucking bag hidden in a bush. He tossed it to Mituna, and there’s that shiteating grin again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mituna caught the bag and stared down at it. He was confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What---???? Whaddya wangt me to do with thsi…..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Put it on~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cronus, what did I say about tildes?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“TIDDIES?!?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No-! Just…” Maidkri groaned. “Come on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” Mituna was still sorta confused, but he just let Maidkri drag him along into somewhere that was vaguely more private. Like, in some trees and shit. Maidkri took the bag from his hands, looking up at him with a vague hint of concern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay- Mituna, can you… take off your clothes?”</span>
</p><p><span>Well, that got Mituna excited. Obviously. That’s like saying the word ‘walk’ while in the vicinity of 50 dogs exactly. He started cackling. “Fufcukin finally!! Immgonna get lAID!!!”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“...You have a matesprit, and I’m celibate. Just- put this on.” He took the maid outfit and cat ears out of the bag and handed them to Mituna. Mituna was kinda struggling to take off his clothes, fumbling with that stupid jumpsuit of his. Eventually he let out a little sigh. “Kankri I’m stugck.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Maidkri sighed as well, then helped Mituna with that funky ass jumpsuit. Ignoring any sexual advances made, he somehow managed to get Mituna into the cat maid outfit. Mituna… wasn’t entirely opposed to wearing it, honestly. He twirled around a few times, before just kinda nodding and going, “Nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maidkri dragged Maidtuna out from behind the tree and led him back to Cronus, who wolf-whistled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is… </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> degrading, Cronus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you’re the one who lost the bet, Kankles.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it feels nice.” Maidtuna paused, glancing down. “Kinda breezy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, Kanny? He likes it, why can’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maidkri crossed his arms. He didn’t respond to that. Cronus ruffled his hair, grabbed both him and Maidtuna by the hands, and fucked off to find his next target.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otherwise known as Porrim Maryam, the final boss of Cronus’ fucked up maid quest. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>warmup for this one:</p><p>Piss piss bingu</p><p>Roses are red<br/>I fucked aaron burr<br/>Did you know that cronus<br/>Is the once-ler (he dont speak for the trees)</p><p>Roses are red<br/>spencer fucks bees<br/>I am theoncelyere<br/>I speak for the trees</p><p>Why the Lorax references, you may ask? It's a surprise tool that'll help us later ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Insane Maid Posse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>cronus is stinky</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Cronus continued onward, dragging his cat maids behind him by the hands, still with complaining from Maidkri, but Tuna didn’t seem to mind it. He hummed in thought.</span>
  <em>
    <span> If I vwas Porrim, vwhere vwould I be?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>...Fuck if I knowv. Not like there’s any concrete landmarks in these dream bubbles. Hell, vwhy are vwe supposed to be quarantining if vwe’re dead anyvway? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s about where he decided to stop thinking about it and wander about aimlessly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then he ran into the troll cops, also known as Terezi and Sollux. And… a baby cluckbeast? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re under arrest for being a little whore man,” said Sollux, accompanied by an indignant squawk of agreement from the cluckbeast sitting on top of his hat, nestled between his horns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maidkri let out a sigh of either relief or horror. “Oh good gog.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you smell like shit!” Terezi agreed, “and purple.” Whatever the hell that means. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sorry thagts me,” Maidtuna interrupted. He got a few weird looks. Huh, he was kinda stinky. He huffed. “Tula doesn’t mind!”</span>
</p><p><span>“Shut the fuck up, tard,” Cronus said, before throwing him at Sollux and Terezi. “You’ll never take me alive! Fuck da police! NIGERUNDAYOOOO, KANKRI!”</span><span><br/></span> <span>Then he ran off like Joseph Joestar. Maidkri watched him run off, before turning back to Sollux and Terezi.</span></p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry about him,” he said as he took his cat ear headband off. “He doesn’t know when to stop.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna stop right about NOW.” Then Sollux flew after him with his psionics, tackling him into a bush. He then handcuffed him and fortnite danced on top of him while he was incapacitated and Terezi was approaching. They high fived before Terezi growled into Cronus’ ear. General ear area anyway. Bitch has internal ears. Stinky fish man.  </span>
</p><p><span>“You’re going to jail, pissbrain.”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“Why again?”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“Because you’re a STINKY MAN.” She cackled before grabbing that bitch by the ankles and dragging him off. </span></p><p>
  <span>Then Cronus went to jail, which is really just the time out corner in Terezi’s room that she drew a box around with chalk, and nobody was ever forced to wear a cat maid outfit again. Probably.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kind of short, but we're already on the third and final installment and are Hella Fuckin Hyped.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's the warmup Eli and I wrote for this shitbitch</p><p>Mania game me a gun<br/>Kankle is red<br/>30 is half an hour<br/>I like your dickn<br/>Cornus doesnt have a bladder </p><p>Roses r red<br/>My laptop is broken<br/>Did you know that a guys<br/>Penis can stretch open<br/>Sent from my iPad</p></blockquote></div></div>
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